Actions speak louder than words

Do you ever get super annoyed when someone says something they don't really mean, or make a promise to you that they don't keep?  I confess that I've been guilty of this a few times, and I've made an effort not to.  However, I wish I could be more aware and see when people are being fake with me.  I'm a very trusting person by nature, and I guess sometimes that's good, and other times I get hurt...such as right now.

I don't know what it is about this one person that makes me so stupid...like absolutely every shred of knowledge I have concerning any type of relationship is completely thrown out the window.  Looking back on my old weblog entries, I realize I already have ranted about this person quite a bit.  Since he is being a coward and ignoring my phone calls, I address this to you, my supposed friend.  You know who you are.

Friendship is about give and take.  It's about trust, and being there for one another in the most non-judgemental way possible, and keeping promises when you make them.  You have done none recently.  Why I'm still talking to you...I have no idea.  I guess it's hard for me to hold a grudge.  Then again a bit of it is my fault...I say I won't talk to you again and yet I'm alway the one who ends up calling to patch up the relationship.  I don't expect you to be there in a capacity more than friendship, and yet time and time again you get my hopes up and then screw me over.  You want to see how secure I can be about my decision?  I'll show you security.  I have been through hell and back through my car accident and losing Andru and various other dramatic events...all without you, and I can surely do it again.  I apologize for holding you to some higher standard...I thought that's what people did when they became close friends, though I'm not really sure that you think this is a friendship...I'm more like that guaranteed person you keep on the side when your ego needs a boost, but as soon as anything comes calling, you ignore me until I get worried or upset.  I'm sure everyone will agree with me that I'm an extremely good friend...I would do anything for those that I care about...and yet you...seem to only squeeze me into your life when it's convenient.

I'm trying to make things easy and just...take myself out of the picture that is your life since you don't have the balls to do it yourself.  I don't know why you keep denying something you know to be true....I mean you make promises to me and then break them....you ignore my phone calls.  You ignore my text messages.  You even ignore my parent's phone calls when they call to ask how you're doing or to wish you happy birthday.  Well, enough is enough...even I have a breaking point. I just wish I had reached it earlier before letting you get so close...before letting you into my life.  You go on with your charmed life...I wish you all the best.  Just don't come running to me when you need something or when you feel overworked and unappreciated.  Don't come to my place the day you realize that someone else might be interested in me.  And for heaven's sake don't kiss up to my mom if I'm with someone else because you think it might help you weasel your way back into my life.

Actions speak louder than words...and I can hear yours loud and clear.

Where to go from here?

Summer is here, and I'm back at home.  Let the (hopefully) introspective rambling begin.

This semester was...unexpected for lack of a better word.  I thought I was doing ok academically and taking care of myself the way I should...then bam; I'm hit with a panic attack during my physics final.  I'm not exaggerating finals stress...this was a serious panic attack like OMG I can't breathe and why the crap are the walls closing in on my head.  I thought I was over it...I thought I was doing better and moving on and taking over the world.

But I'm not over it, and I most certainly am not ok.  I just don't know what happened!  The semester was going along swimmingly...As and Bs on my tests, occasional road trips, plus a new lil bro and awesome big sis's made me feel like nothing could keep me down.  Little did I know that I was repressing major guilt and grief with Andru's passing.  I don't understand myself...girls don't usually repress things; we let everyone know every dramatic thought that runs through our heads...and yet I seem to be the genetic anomaly that puts on a smile and bakes cupcakes and even tricks herself into thinking that she's ok.  I hate it when others see my weaknesses...and yet here I am plastering them all over the internet.  Ridiculous, huh?

The worst part about this is letting my parents down.  They had so much hope for me this semester and invested so much energy and money into making sure I could make it.  And I still couldn't do it.  Everything just seems to be crashing down, and I have to make some serious decisions within the next couple weeks about school and in general, life.  I hate it when things get like this though...a friend once asked me if I could have anything in the whole world what would it be?  I said: stability.  I would want nothing more than to have some sort of stability in my crazy life.  My parents have always been nuts, but I know they mean well.  My life has been such a roller coaster for the past four years, and not in a good way.  Don't get me wrong, these years have been punctuated by happy times, like crossing lil sis and falling in love...but for the most part what sticks out me is the near death experience car crash and Andru passing away.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not blaming my flops and fumbles on anything; I take full responsiblity for my actions.  But I can't help but look around and see friends going to graduate school, getting married, having babies...I'm ridiculously happy for all my friends who have succeeded and are happy in life, but at the same time I want a piece of happy pie too...it's disheartening to me to have nothing to my name after four years except a broken heart and a handful of life skills.  I want to be strong...and yet sometimes I feel so small.

So what are my plans for the summer?  Picking up the pieces once again and trying to make something of myself.  Wish me luck!

So cute!!!!

This is the headset I have.

I walked into a T-Mobile store today and this adorable little girl looks at me, and then her mom and says, "Mommy that lady has a PINK tooth headset!" 

Cutest thing ever, and totally made my day.

0_0

Two weeks left of school.

Let's hope I make it out alive.

Second Rant of the Day

Maybe I'm just hypersensitive today or something...I dunno.  I'll let you avid readers be the judge of that.

I bumped into a guy I used to go to church with a long time ago back at VBC Garland...I won't mention any names because to be honest, he was a big insensitive jerk and I think Esther and Grace know him too...now that I think of it I don't even remember his name to begin with.

Jerk: Hey!
Me: Hi!  How are you?
Jerk: I thought you went to UT? (first immature comment)
Me: Oh yea I took a semester off and I'm taking classes here (at Quad C).
Jerk: Why?
Me: Oh my boyfriend passed away last Spring so I'm taking some time off.
Jerk: Oh you mean David? (second immature comment...if you even knew me at all you would know that we broke up a while ago, so why even ask me something so personal?)
Me: No we broke up a while ago; this was a guy I dated at UT.
Jerk: Oh. What happened? (third immature comment, usually people just leave it at that unless they know me really well)
Me: (mumbling something about the police still investigating)
Jerk: Was there blood?  Like lots of it?  Did you see the body?  (WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?)
Me: No. His rommate found him.
Jerk: Oh.  Well that sucks. (I SHOULD KICK YOU IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW)

Am I overreacting?  And if I am, do I have a right to?  I mean who the hell asks if there was blood and if I saw anything?  No one has ever asked me that!!!!!  I should've just maced his ass but we were in the library and I was so shocked that someone who claims to be a human being would even say that.  So...if any of my old friends still talk to him, you can tell him that he really offended me and that he should watch the crap that comes out of his mouth. 

Stupid insensitive immature pig.